Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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