I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize