dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
