i already hear my dad disowning me
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
