Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
