the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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