haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
