the condom got lost in my hair
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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