my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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