He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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