I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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