I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
