I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
