Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
