YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
