Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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