I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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