I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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