I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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