I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
