I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
