Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I have tasted many bathrooms
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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