She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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