Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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