bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize