cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
