so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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