just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
