some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
