why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
