I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
