sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
