some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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