I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
