did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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