I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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