the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
