can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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