Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
