dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
