My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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