either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
True strength comes from lack of pants
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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