If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
