This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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