dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
