I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
