Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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