You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
vagina is talking i cant
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize