I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
