I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Randomize
