My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
