I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
