I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
