There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
And then my night got REAL pukey
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
