If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
