also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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