11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
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