Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
