The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
