Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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