Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I woke up under a house in Key West
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
