Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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