Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
