I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Mom said you looked used
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
dude. I can hear the air.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
