my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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