there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
