eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
