dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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